My ex-boyfriend’s mother posted a passage on Facebook this morning. I have no idea who said it or where it came from, but I liked it. Don’t ask why I’m Facebook friends with my ex-boyfriend’s mom.

“Let’s pretend, just for today, all day long, throughout our every thought and decision, that life is easy, that everyone means well, and that time is on our side. Ok? And let’s pretend that we are loved beyond belief, that magic conspires on our behalf, and that nothing can ever hurt us without our consent. All right? And if we like this game, we’ll play again tomorrow as well, and the next day, and the next, and pretty soon, it won’t be a game at all, because life, for us, will become those things. Just as it’s become what it is, today. Thoughts become realities, too.”

Anyways, the point is that this passage is great. It reminds me of the famous line by the Buddha. A line first introduced to me during a theology course in college, that has stuck with me ever since.

“We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts, we make the world.”

It was actually this Buddha quote that prompted me to begin my blog, exactly two years ago. Let me get something off my chest. At the time I was crazy. A few years out of college with a decent job and cute apartment, my life was fun and my relationship… well, intense. Passionate, loving, but intense. I was living a seemingly normal existence for a 23 year old but my mind was running wild. My emotions were all over the place, off the charts, and my soul was aching for something more. Instead of running, throwing everything away and trying to start over, I decided to listen to the teeny, tiny rational part of my head.

I stayed put in Boston, kept the same job (for awhile at least) and continued to move forward in my relationship, falling even more in love with the boyf. But I told myself it was time to take control of my life. Of my thoughts and emotions. So I recalled the quote from the Buddha and said to myself, something along the lines of: Jesus Christ, just be happy. Just try. Think about it. Act like you are. Enjoy life, find happiness in the little things, and start convincing yourself that your life ain’t too shabby! You’re blessed beyond belief with a family that loves you unconditionally, a boyfriend who adores you, friends that will never, ever turn their back and a steady job in the middle of an economic crisis. Life is good. Life is good. Life is good.

After all, in the words of good ole’ Buddha, “With our thoughts, we make the world.”

So where am I going with all of this? I told you how I spent New Year’s Eve with Heather and baby Clara, but I should also share with you some of my goals and resolutions for the new year. But since I haven’t thought those through yet, I thought I’d share a little passage that I saw on Facebook today. A passage that reminded me of a favorite quote. One that took me back to where I was two years ago, and one that will hopefully lead me into the new year with a hope-filled heart and a smile on my face.

Happy new year, friends.

“If you want to be happy, be.”
- Leo Tolstoy

How do I let this get so behind? I always come back to the blog world in full force and swear to keep up with it. But hey, you know what? Sometimes life just gets in the way. And lately, my life has in the way of well.. my life. Since we last talked, I did have:

• a successful trip to NYC
• a fabulously thrown “surprise” birthday party
• a few trips home to Maine
• plenty of quality family time, and
• … a new job. A new job? Yes, you heard me right. I had been searching for new positions for quite some time, and by quite some time I mean over a year. But just recently I actually started applying, and even more importantly, following up with my applications. I interviewed with a few companies, had three job opportunities cookin’ at the same time, and baboom! An offer fell into place.

So more on that later. I just wanted to check in and say I’m alive, and well. The last month has been rather tumultuous emotionally, mentally and even physically (hello exhaustion) but it’s all been for the best.

Dear Whitney,

Remember this? I know you’ve been good. You’ve checked off a few of those items, but let me remind you of the rest. A month ago you started an “I will list.” It read:

• I will apply to the Junior League of Boston
• I will run in both a 5k and 10k road race
• I will finally attend a Boston Cares new volunteer orientation meeting
• and subsequently I will begin volunteering at least once a month
• I will step back from each argument with my boyfriend and count to 10
• meaning I will engage in nearly 95% less arguments than the last year
• I will drink water (from the tap) every single day
• and therefore I will enjoy feeling hydrated, less tired and happier!
• I will purchase a sewing machine, and use it
• I will successfully and with great enthusiasm, tackle my book list
• (…to be continued)

How’s that 5k and 10k road race coming? Have you even gone for a jog once this year? Didn’t think so. Yea, yea, you’re drinking more water now, but how’s that book list looking? Have you picked up a library card? Or even stepped foot into the public library? And now, most importantly. Take a look at this one:

• I will step back from each argument with my boyfriend and count to 10
• meaning I will engage in nearly 95% less arguments than the last year

Yea. About that one. You’re never going to become the person you’d like to be if you’re so stuck on being a miserable, argumentative, pessimistic person. Go step outside and take a look up at the sky. Smile, laugh. Have fun.

Love,
You, me, Whitney

Okay, so reading this season’s spoilers for my favorite reality TV show — the Bachelor — is not my daily dose of happy happy happiness.  In fact, it was so terrible.  But alas, the day must have had some perk to it, right?  Eh, no not really.  It was actually a rather gray, dull, day.  What a way to start off the new month, huh?   So much for being on a happy trail.

I think the happiest part of today is that it is the first day of the second month of the ‘new me.’  Today I realized that I’ve tossed a lot of my goals and resolutions right out the window.  Remember the challenge?  The bracelet that kept switching wrists?  Yea.  It’s sitting on my window sill.  I haven’t worn it since the first week of January.  And I complain.  A lot.

I’m upset about having no money, stressing over my relationships and keeping myself up until 2 in the morning with a long list of anxious thoughts.  Today I reminded myself why I set out on this journey, my journey towards a happier life.  And maybe February will be a successful start.

I’ve been laughing a lot lately.  I mean, I’ve always had my giddy moments, and my hyperactive days.  But I’ve also, on at least 4 instances in my life, had a complete stranger come up to me – or walk by me – and say something like: “Smile hunny, smile!  You’d be so much prettier if you were smiling.” Now 4 is not a big number. If something happens just 4 times, more often than not it’s considered dismissible. But what does it say about me, if 4 separate times a complete stranger has gone out of his or her way to approach me, to speak to me!  Me, a complete stranger!  To tell me to smile.  To let me know that I look awfully sad with my lips pursed taught.  To let me know that I’d be look a whole lot prettier if I smiled.

I walked away thinking about how I carry myself, how I present myself on a daily basis, how I hold my body, my weight, my energy as I walk down the street, how I come across to complete strangers.  I recall a theater class exercise: walk around for an entire day with your lips loose, not held together.  Let your jaw unclench, let the air flow freely between the gaps of your teeth.  This was a lesson in exposing our self.  A lesson in vulnerability.   Try it.

So like the theater exercise, these individuals were noticing, in a split second, the tension, the closure, the privacy, the frigging mopiness that is me!  That is not good.

Now a days I smile at strangers.  If I bump into, or need to walk around someone in a crowded Starbucks, I look up at them with a smile as I say ‘whoops, sorry.’  You know what I used to do?  Without even noticing?  My default reaction would have been to think ‘ugh,’  perhaps glare at them, maybe even roll my eyes.  Hypocrisy, hello! Rolls reversed that old me would infuriate me.  How rude, how unnecessarily mean, unkind.

Not anymore.  And you know what?  Now, as I find myself laughing.  Deeb belly laughs.  Tears in my eyes, short of breath laughs.  Laughing fits with my boyfriend on the T, in the car ride just the two of us, in the office, on the couch.  Laughing has the power to make you so, so happy.   And laughter is contagious. Hopefully my smiles will warm the hearts of the strangers around me.

Do you step over it? Kick it, break it, watch it crumble? Or are you too busy with your head held high, looking up towards the sky, to even see it? Do you walk right into it, trip, stumble.

My heart hurts a bit today. My head aches full with to do lists and overdue tasks at work. My bank account has been defeated by a long weekend. Happiness is so many things. But happiness is not now. I’m struggling to get through the day, excited that it’s already 1pm, yet set back by my unproductive morning. Putting things off at work is even more demoralizing than putting things off in my personal realm of life. Putting things off at work gives me anxiety. Bossman always seems to ask for the things I’ve been putting off, the day before I decide to finish them. Tricky, isn’t he?

Anyways, today is just a tough day. The snow falling is beginning to turn to rain. An even stronger indicator that today, and tonight may just be a day to mope. To eat the pile of candy left over from my 3D Avatar experience yesterday. To eat the pasta that’s in my cupboard. That, will not only be satisfying – it is also of necessity. Pay day is Friday and I’ll be eating left overs while drinking homemade coffee and water until then.

Today, almost a month into my journey towards happiness, I encountered a wall. Nothing I can’t step over, or even break down with my riding boots. I know my sorrowful state will pass, and my giddy natured self will return. But damn. Walking around with your head held high, looking towards the sky, is not always the smartest way to roam. Too often I’m afraid I’ll miss the reality that I face on the ground.

One day at a time, cheers.

(Photo found on Flickr here)

Tonight is the night I should finally put into action, all the thoughts I think and the words I preach. I had a dinner planned with the girls. He had a post-holiday work party with his close friend. But he said he would not be out late, and wanted to catch up with me early, to have a low key night.

I had a great night.  Scratch that, I had an incredible night.  My three best friends were all here.  We went out to eat, we hung out, we had some drinks and many laughs.  It’s 12:30 am.  It’s not too late, but it’s later than he had anticipated being out.  I should just say ‘have fun darling,’ and fall fast asleep, although it may be alone.  After all, I’m up fairly early to volunteer tomorrow.

But…. he SAID we would spend tonight together.  He SAID that he wouldn’t be out too late and that he’d come back this way to spend the night.  He SAID… well what he said doesn’t mean much, beause if I’ve learned anything from this relationship – it would be that my boyfriend lives on the ‘no plan plan.’  And tonight is the perfect night to let it go. I’m tired, I had fun.  He’s out, he’s having fun.  Sounds like a win win situation right?

Yes, and it needs to be.  The old me would get so angry.  Angry that he changed his plans, angry that he said he would come over, angry that he didn’t.

Aaah, the art of letting go – and not picking fights where one needs not be.

Have you ever tried to stop complaining? Not just about your boss, or the weather, or the long wait for the train. I mean, about everything. No complaining. At all. For an entire day. For 21 entire days – 21 days in a row… 30204 straight, complaint free minutes… Believe me when I say that this is no easy feat. Today I made it until approximately 12:30pm. Mouth shut. Complaints swallowed. But after sitting through 2 hours of a miserably unproductive staff meeting I let loose to a co-worker. Damn it. Then I told my boyfriend about it again. And then I complained about how crowded the train was, how my grocery bags were too heavy, how long I waited for the train on my ride home.

And so, my bracelet will be worn on my left wrist tomorrow. And I will start over at Day 1.

Although I’m starting over, and I have yet to make it through one entire day without a complaint slipping through my lips, this challenge has made me so much aware of how negative I can be – about the simplest things! You know? Complaining about the long wait for the train, is not going to make it arrive any more quickly. And the coolest thing is that a bunch of times each day, as soon as that whiny little negative voice starts creeping into my head, I catch it and turn it into something else. A simple thing like rephrasing a statement – turning “Ugh, I’m starving” into “Wow, Maccie this dinner is going to be so delicious!” – can seriously do loads for the mood.

“I found that when you start thinking and saying what you really want then your mind automatically shifts and pulls you in that direction. And sometimes it can be that simple, just a little twist in vocabulary that illustrates your attitude and philosophy.”

— Jim Rohn

Time to stop filling the room with negativity.

Cheers to trying again.

Gloriana’s version of Silent Night has quite easily become my most ‘repeat one only’ song of this season. In last month’s ‘my world is over week’ I sat in bed and sobbed endlessly (literally, all day… and all night) and listened to just this song – on repeat. Silent Night has always been such a source of peace, I can remember listening to carolers sing this song outside of my Nana’s nursing home room the night she passed away. It was literally as if they were telling her, and our family, that it was okay to go. That night she did, and my oh my, all was sure calm, and all was bright. On the saddest day, that song brought us such peace, and light.

So I turn to that song still – it grounds me while simultaneously lifting me above all else. It’s incredible and Gloriana, aah, they just do it so beautifully.

So tonight, with glass of Merlot in hand, and as I write comfortably from underneath my blankets, in a room lit by (the ever so cheesy, yet incredibly appropriate) windowsill Christmas plastic candles/lights, I’m feeling that this song is the absolutely perfect thing to share. This song acts not only as a pinch of happy, but my God, it’s like a whole room filled of happy.

Le sigh! Good night and sweet dreams.