Posts from — March 2010

Please continue to pardon my appearance over the weekend!

Here I am, 3pm and I’m not done!   Yikes.  I think I made some good progress though, whaddya think?  Do you like the sticky post?  We shall see how it works out!  Anywhoo, it being 3pm and all, I must stop.  Time to shower and get ready.  So much for my to-do list.   I’m still in the exact same place that I was when I wrote that.   Oh well.  So hopefully this weekend I can get to changing the page view, side bars, and archive functions.

If you’re visiting today, March 5, 2010 you might see an ugly, disfunctional winkthinks!  Since I have the day off from work and it’s a bit too early for me to start my to-do list (aka store doesn’t open until 10 or 11) I decided to tackle a new theme.  The old one will be back up by the end of the day. Promise.

Grande skinny vanilla latte in hand, the Today show playing on flat screen in front of me, snow covered trees outside my window. Yes folks, another day to myself. Another day with no work. Boyfriend and I woke up early and easily this morning. The perks of going to bed at a reasonable hour. We walked outside together, kissed goodbye, he went on his way to catch the train, I drove off to get my morning latte and newspaper.

Today I will:

• complete the crossword in the Metro
• pack for boyfriend & my weekend in Maine
• vacuum the apartment
• take a little trip to NJC and take advantage of their wicked sale
• yup, I think that’s it for my day!

Oh yea, after 5pm I will pick up Boyfriend from work and we’ll make the 2 hour drive north to Portland.  Meet his family out to dinner to celebrate Boyfriend’s 25th, Boyfriend’s brother’s 27th and Boyfriend’s father’s who knows what.  After triple birthday dinner we will enjoy an inexpensive night of drinking and friends at well, a friends house.

A hand written letter arrived in the mail today. Addressed to me, from a very old friend of mine. A friend of mine that I met while on Outward Bound seven years ago. When was the last time you received a hand written letter in the mail? And I’m not talking a Christmas thank you. This was a six page front and back hand written catch up letter. I sat down to write about my Outward Bound experience, the (platonic) relationship that ensued, and the letter that I just received, seven freaking years later, but instead I’m compelled to just start writing — to him.

Just look at me, seven years ago. So, so young. This photo is of me on the last day of my outward bound trip. Van is on the left, Jordan to the right. Van sent me the letter, and I owe him one heck of a response.

Dear. How am I supposed to sum up the past seven years of my life? To be fair, we kept in close contact through high school, and well into college, so I really only need to update him on eh, about three years of my life. But still! I can’t even remember what I had for lunch three days ago let alone what I was going through three years ago.

As a teenager I wasn’t always the happiest of kids. I felt like things were never good enough, life was never bright enough, the grass out front never quite resembled my favorite shade of kelly green. I wasn’t always happy, but I was good. And to most people, that was enough. That was more than enough. Most parents wanted their kids to be like me. I was an A+ student, at the top of my class year after year. I excelled in sports. I was kind, sweet, respectful. A pleasure to talk to, to be around. My friends were, well plentiful and sincere. I partied, I socialized, I had “fun.” Yet something was always missing for me. Something inside of me knew that there was much, much more to life than being the pretty, well rounded, scholar athlete.

And as proud as my parents and family were of me – for achieving and excelling in the things I embarked on – I think that they were more proud of who I was beneath the surface, demons and all. They knew that my feelings, my thoughts, my general outlook on life came from a much deeper place than those around me. I questioned life and examined the world with the eye of our elders… not of a 15 year old, an 18 year old, a 24 year old. My parents have always known, and always told me how special they believe I am, different.

My parents loved that there was more to me, that my soul reached to a deep, deep place, and if this meant loving me as I struggled for years with bouts of depression, and nights filled with hopelessness, it was okay. They loved me then like they did the day I was born, and they continue to do so today.

Looking back I think they must have always known that I’d be okay. Because despite the fact that my older sister and I could literally, not be more different, they never seemed worried by what I was going through. With her they had it easy. She seems to stop after the pretty, popular, scholar athlete part. And that works for her; it works for her well. She is successful, and happy. Really just happy, all the time, with life, with everything. So for my parents’ youngest to come along and be all out of whack like me – lucky them huh? I don’t really know where this is all going, but their constant — literally endless, unconditional — love and support made me always know that my thoughts and feelings were okay.

It was okay if I felt a little different than my classmates, my teammates, my best friends. I was okay, and always will be. And you know what? My melancholy might even have shaped me into a better, more well rounded person than I could have imagined. I love who I am, and who I’ve become, and especially for the ways in which that person adds to the loveliness of my family. Our family dynamics.

My parents and sister love me more than anyone ever, ever will. More than anyone could. And for that I am so lucky. I feel such sadness for many of my friends as I see their families fall apart. I see things like resentment and bitterness, anger, loneliness and betrayal. I see parents who hardly acknowledge the lives of their children and rarely recognize their success.

My family is incredible. Bottom line. And for that I am so, so fortunate.  Thank you mom and dad, for always being you, and for always loving me.